Not so long ago, Miss Cherry and her best friend, Sunny,
decided that a trip to Ireland was in order. Matter of fact, not only was it in
order…it was overdue. So overdue, that it didn’t take all that much to pull the
trigger…just a semi-significant amount of vodka and cranberry, and one shiny,
loaded debit card with a recently raised daily limit of $4,000.00. Didn’t take
long to connect all of those dots…as, where there is a will, funding, vodka,
and friends…there will always be a way. Straight up. Miss Cherry and Sunny…ten
days later…found themselves in Dublin, Ireland.
Travel Tip Number One…If you exchange your US Dollars into
Euro, only carry a small amount with you…not the whole kit and caboodle.
Remember: You have a safe in your room that loves to hold your money, passport
and jewelry. Why? If your shiny, new, Texas-sized wallet is too much of a
temptation for some happy go lucky thief in the Temple Bar District of Dublin…he
will only be able to pay a portion of his electric bill, not the entire
buildings. If you are to donate to the local pickpockets, only contribute
enough for a pint of Guinness, not cases and cases of Jamison for his next
extended family gathering. In other words, plan for a little tomfoolery, but
don’t be a fool.
Travel Tip Number Two…specific to the Temple Bar District of
Dublin. If a toothless, little Irish man dressed as a leprechaun follows you
down the street, he is not offering up a pot of gold. Run away. If he starts
pulling on your arm, trying to get you down an alley…kick him where it counts…then…run
away. If you realize in the middle of it all that your wallet with all of its
necessary contents…i.e. money…has been stolen, and that you are now stranded
with your best friend in a bar district on the night that Ireland beat Estonia
for a some cup after thirty years...now is not the time for wavering. If a
human rights attorney in a suit walks up to you and your friend and says…”You
Ladies look you need to be saved. Here have a slice of pizza and I’ll put you
in a cab to send you back to your hotel”…you do it. You eat that slice of
pizza, thank him profusely, and get your lily white ass back to your hotel
pronto. But first, take his card and send him a nice thank you note upon your
return to your home soil. Manners count.
Travel Tip Number Three…be on time or arrive early for any
and all events or travel tours. They appreciate you…and in Ireland, this means…more
Jamison for you. Bottom line…with a sunny disposition, big smile, good manners
and the right attitude…they will put you and your best friend in the front seat
of the bus, and sit the late Europeans in the back. Again…more Jamison for you…and
you get to hold the map and act like you know where you’re going. Oh, and one
more tip on this subject…when you stop along the way…always buy some little
cookie or treat for the driver. And, if you’re lucky enough to get Stephen
Murphy…this will mean…more Jamison for you.
Travel Tip Number Four…when in Ireland, watch out for the
Scottish. They look and sound similar to the harmless, friendly Irish, but they
aren’t…they’re Scots. Which means…they take it all to the next level…and you
better watch them closely. They’re wild. Not in “funny, ha-ha” wild, but in “Oh,
shit…where did that come from…run away” wild. Just remember…Highlanders in
sheep’s clothing. Just keep an eye on them…they’re tricky.
Travel Tip Number Five…do not route through Amsterdam on
your way back from Ireland. It’s like throwing ice cold water on your ten days
of happiness and frivolity. Going from the lilting sounds of an Irish accent,
broad smiles and all around general happiness of Ireland…to the serious,
solemn, don’t look at me or make eye contact of the Dutch…is quite a jolt.
Also, if you just so happen to get a sinus infection, and need some form of
medication to get on the plane…the over the counters are pretty dicey. “Let’s
see…we have the hemp section right next to any and all meds…all written in
foreign languages.” So, the second part of this tip would be…packing your own
meds. It’s a crap shoot if you don’t.
Travel Tip Number Six…You will always be “suspicious” if you
route through Amsterdam back to the States. Always. No exceptions. For Miss
Cherry and Sunny…they had to pass through Minnesota customs to get back to
Dallas.
“Miss Bo Berry…what was the nature of your visit to
Amsterdam?”
“I had a layover in Amsterdam, on my way back from Ireland.”
“So, you are in real estate? Did you conduct any real estate
in Amsterdam?”
“No, sir. I flew from Dublin, and was in Amsterdam for about
twelve hours. It was a layover on our travel route back to Dallas.”
“What did you buy in Amsterdam? Did you buy that fur coat?”
Now, Miss Cherry was wearing her faux fur from the Thrift
Store/Resale Shop. Looks real, but it isn’t. It’s faux. Fake. But, Miss Cherry
does look quite good in it.
“No, sir. I bought cheese, chocolate and little Dutch cheese
slicers in Amsterdam. Make-up, wool gloves, and Christmas cards in Dublin. This
is a fake fur coat I bought in Texas at a Thrift Store for $40.00.”
“So, you bought cheese, chocolate and a fur coat in
Amsterdam?”
“No, sir. I bought this coat in Arlington, Texas at a Thrift
Store for $40.00. It’s fake. It isn’t fur. It’s synthetic.”
“So, when you bought the fur in Amsterdam, how much did you
pay for it?”
Jesus…Mary…and Joseph.
“I paid $40.00 for this synthetic coat that is made out of
some plastic product to look like a real fur…in a Thrift Store next to the DMV
in Arlington, Texas three years ago.”
Stares at it. Put’s the lotion on it. Put’s the lotion back
into the pail.
“What is the purpose of your visit to Minneapolis?”
“Sir, I have a six hour layover before I catch my flight
back to Dallas.”
“Do you plan on conducting any real estate business during
your six hours, or possibly leaving the airport?”
“No, sir. I plan on using the Ladies restroom, first. Then,
I plan on eating a small bag of Cheetos, drinking a Coca Cola, and then…turning
on my phone and calling my doctor…as I have a raging sinus infection. I might
even eat some of the cheese and chocolate I bought in Amsterdam. Who knows? I
might even take this fake fur off and use it as a pillow, and take a nap. I can
tell you this…I can’t wait to get back to Dallas. It will be nice to be back on
Texas soil.”
It walks away. It doesn’t talk. It has stopped talking.
And, that was that. He stamped the passport and gave it
back. Miss Cherry went from Dublin to Amsterdam. No problem. The Dutch didn’t
care when she left. It took customs in Minneapolis to give her crap about a
fake fur coat. All she could think was…”I must look like his ex-wife who
probably left him for the postman…who apparently rang her bell twice.”
Anyway, Miss Cherry and Sunny had a grand time. Much needed,
much deserved. They both came back better off…as they drank a ton of Guinness
while they were in Ireland. And, if you didn’t already know…Guinness makes you
strong. Even when you can’t possibly fit one more pint into your Guinness
soaked body…the Irish are so thoughtful. They have created “Lassie” glasses…tiny
Guinness glasses to give you a wee little sip…when you can’t take in one more
drop. All to make you strong.
They are so thoughtful.
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