Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Stiletto in the Eye: The Tale of the Evil Fembots, Part "Yah I'm Talking to You"

Miss Cherry believes that if a woman can get your man, he wasn’t your man in the first place. Come on, Ladies…don’t think that anything somewhat illegal you do is going to stop a man who wants to cheat. You can plant a Jason Bourne tracking chip in his shoulder after a well placed rufi or two… Lindsey Lohan his Hoo-Hah - delivering well placed shocks when he gets out of the perimeter of your Hoochie Cooch…you can even check all of his texts,  emails and calls each night after he has fallen asleep on the couch with his hand down the front of his pants…but face it…these are pointless stop gaps. Unless you are willing to become a dedicated, twenty-four hours a day stalker… seven days a week…including potty breaks…he’s going to cheat, if he is so inclined.  If he’s a cheater, it will be going down somewhere, somehow…come Hell or high water…time and time again. Why? There will always be opportunity.

Truism…it takes two to tango. Sitting on the other side of a cheating man is another woman…or in some cases…several “strategically well-placed so as not to meet due to a scheduling misfire” women.  Now this doesn’t apply to the woman who isn’t aware that the cheater wining, dining and ringing her bell odd hours of the day, not to include holidays and special occasions…is supposedly in a committed, exclusive relationship, marriage or something. This is aimed at that special woman who makes it her goal in life to actively pursue a man like a heat seeking missile…the woman who just doesn’t give a damn about the sisterhood…she wants any man currently attached to another woman because she wants to prove that she can have them all…anytime…anywhere…if she wants. The women that I have known that act like this are women who create an air of mystery around their female parts. First, they act like their parts haven’t been used…in…”forever”. “I haven’t had sex in such a long time.” Of course, they have had sex with several men during the week, and have a big weekend planned. I have known women like this…Stiletto in the Eye…they play men like fiddles. They are so special…so elusive…that they have saved themselves for that special man…and they are willing to unveil to this special man…the amazing…Trick Vagina. 

Women know that the Trick Vagina is a bunch of bunk. We watch men fall into this trap time and time again.  The Trick Vagina is the elusive promise of Nirvana. The Trick Vagina will change your life forever! The Trick Vagina is so amazing that it should be listed in the Neiman Marcus Christmas Book as the one of the ultimate Fantasy Gifts, listed somewhere between the Limited edition McLaren 12C Spider and the JetLev R200 jetpack. There I go…digressing…giving The Trick Vagina any press.  Back on subject…Stiletto in the Eye.

It takes a certain kind of woman to calculate, and target a man…digging her stiletto deep into the eye socket of another woman before the body of her relationship has gone cold.

Cherry is smarter than she looks…and truly isn’t judgmental…accepting people for who they are and why.  Since she isn’t a dingbat, acting like it isn’t what it is…stating the obvious can seem sometimes…a little rough. So, here is some level of lessons learned, stated in the obvious: the inner-workings of marriages and relationships can sometimes reach a critical mass of ugliness, so much so, that sometimes there is an overlap of some proportion as a result of a true emotional need. There are men and women everywhere leading separate lives, buried deep into their own emotional Hell. Sometimes men and women get into sticky situation because they are seeking to fill a huge hole in their life. This isn’t a disclaimer, just a fact. Relationships involve humans, and human relations are flawed.

Miss Cherry also realizes that in the single world, dating is filled with a series of Goldilocks moments…too hot, too cold…just right. Relationships are just beyond messy when they don’t work, and beyond amazing when they do…when two people are exactly where they want to be, and with whom.

So, in that light, Miss Cherry will stick with the current state of messy that has taken over her life…being single. It is with complete certainty and true dismay that Cherry can say…without hesitation…without fear of reprisal…because we know it all to be true…women who are single and middle-aged are absolutely horrific to each other on a bad day, and marginal on a good one. It’s the recipe of desperation, coupled with loneliness…aggression and competitive natures…add some inevitable hormonal changes…possibly, if needed, dicey finances…and a healthy portion of the fear of growing old alone...and you get a finished dish of “not-so-hot mess.”  

Middle aged women know that we only have so many years before we do what comes natural to every human being…age. We age and no amount of Botox, surgery or breast augmentation can make us look younger…anymore. It’s the point of diminishing return. You can’t be stretched, tucked, cut, shot up or enhanced too many times without looking like a total freak. At one point, you are just going to have to be your age.  God’s little gift to women all over the world. Unfortunately, men they can look like the Crypt Keeper of Hell, take a pharmaceutical and father children with someone who is younger than you. Have some dignity and get over it. Such is life…a dog eat dog world which occasionally lands another kind of six inch spike directly into your cornea. .

Moving on, let’s discuss what Miss Cherry calls…”Evil Fembots.” We are going to do this in two parts, with the first one being contained within, and the second coming later…same Bat Time, same Bat Channel.  An Evil Fembot is a not-so-lifelike representation of a woman…who lacks heart, compassion and care for any other female but herself. They look like a woman, dress like a woman, smell like a woman, throw their vagina around like a woman…but they use emotional, mental and physical manipulation to secure a man...for whatever purpose suits them at the time. Their target…any man…but generally, they focus on the men of other women, and sometimes, Ex’s. I mean, where would be the fun in dating an available man when the challenge lies in the win-back or the one perceived as unobtainable?

In the words of Miss Cherry’s Not-So-Urban Dictionary, there are several type of women that fall into the multiple categories of…”Evil Fembot’s of the Single Persuasion.” So, let’s take a look at the few that rise to the top…starting with…

Evil Fembot #1: Fakes a friendship with another woman to position herself near a man. This Fembot looks at female friendships as an opportunity to position herself near men. It’s the…”I want to be Cherry’s friend, as she has social access to good-looking men…or…is currently dating a man that I want." A woman’s relationships are stalked through the friendship with a woman, who truly believes…you are her friend. The only reason why you exist in this friend relationship is to give the Fembot access to your valued relationships…and information about the man that you adore. This information can be twisted and wielded like an emotional knife. In the annals of female friendships, this one falls under the category”Big, Ole’ No No.”  No, no, no, no, no…NO! It takes a certain predatory female friend to pull this one off. Going behind another woman’s back, abusing both the friendship and goodwill of the woman and her man. This type of Fembot isn’t interested in actually having a relationship. She sets her radar beam on tracking…and starts pulling it all in. She loves the thrill of the chase… the rush of taking a man from someone who trusts her. All’s fair in love and war. She loves the convenience of it…nothing more than shooting fish in a barrel. Unfortunately, Miss Cherry has met a few of these Fembots…and discharged them – unceremoniously – according to their offense.

Evil Fembot #2: Fakes a friendship with another woman’s family and friends…to again…position herself close to a targeted man. This Fembot uses your loved ones to give you information that they plant in conversations. “Floozy in accounting wants me to tell you that you shouldn’t be friends with Joe and Pete, as they aren’t good guys. She told me you should cut off all contact with them, they are nooooooo good. Bad bad.”…all the while, Floozy in accounting is sleeping with Joe, and pursuing Pete behind everyone’s back…with Pete being the ultimate target. She is just using your loved one to plant information, drive a wedge, and destroy trust. How to spot one of these Fembots? If 90% of the conversation is about a man your friend or family member is dating…let’s just say…it’s not about you. Your loved ones are in play…assets to the Fembot…used and then, discarded. If you find out that you have this type of Fembot circling your friends and family…kick her to the curb. Kick her hard.

Women should be nice to each other. If they can’t, the Evil Fembots should be sent to an island somewhere and left to backstab each other, cut each other off at the knees, and rain chaos upon their little microcosm of Hell. We can drop them off with their Trick Vaginas, collection of Stilettos and then seize their smart phones. No contact list for you. Denied.

“Oh, I’m sorry…did they not tell you that you couldn’t get a signal in the middle of nowhere…this isn’t the special cruise you expected? Well it is...a special cruise for special women like you. Oh…I’m so sorry. Maybe, if you are lucky…a ship of South African pirates will rescue you and manager your needs accordingly. What? You are my friend? I’m sorry…didn’t get the memo.”

Miss Cherry isn’t drinking vodka right now…she might later…but for right now…the important thing is… she isn’t drinking the Kool-Aid either. Neither should you.

The End.

 Now, talk amongst yourselves. No…I didn’t write this about you…I wrote it about someone else. I did, however, write it for all of the nice women out there, who know how to have friendships and support each other. This one is for the sisterhood. This one is for the Bettys...and just in case you were wondering...an Evil Fembot can't be a Betty. Bettys don't act that way.


  1. Evil Fembots are so destructive.I wonder what happens when you stick your foot out and trip them? :)